be still, soul

now that i've made my blog public, i feel a little more hesitant to share my struggles with you all
but if it somehow encourages/challenges you, then i'm glad. :)

i thought october was a pretty tough month, but november is pretty up there, too.
but
BML. bless my life.

this month was full of eye-openers. or... door-openers? some kinda opener.
God has opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on false religions and revealed to me the urgency to not only know the Truth, but to live out the Truth (and it took one insane night for God to reveal that to me).
God has given me the opportunity to be confirmed at sarang community church, where i am now taking membership classes.
God has also opened doors to new tutor students, who actually pay decent. starting mid-december, i don't have to worry so much about limiting myself.

God answers prayers and GG pwns me every time i have a slight doubt.
...which is why i know he'll pwn me again soon, because i'm having some worries again.

this month is tough because, well, during the first week of november, almost all my tutor sessions got canceled, but more importantly, the 2 girls i tutor downsized our tutor session hours in half -- meaning they wanted to have tutor only once a week instead of two. one of the girls supposedly has some whatchamacallit project for her major (child education) that she became busy with for the month of november (and if i'm not mistaken, MAYBE december too???). if this didn't happen, i wouldn't be broke right now, living off of only 60,000 won until the 2nd week of december.

why do i only have this much/little, you ask? because the jobs that i got hooked up with (CEO's and such) through recruiters JUST started, which means i get paid at the end of every month -- technically not, because this is what happens:

1. i fill out an attendance/evaluation sheet that i have to turn in on the last day of tutor for each month.
2. the agency compares my attendance sheet with the student's and makes sure it matches up
3. tax crap
4. wires the moneys into my account

john, one of the agents, emailed me and confirmed that he'd be sending it on the 15th of every month (which is not the end of the month). i thought it'd be earlier than that, considering i have to email them the stuff on the 27th. sigh..

i mean, i'm pretty good at living frugally, but i mean... transportation itself eats up my money like no tomorrow, and yeah. my students are all over seoul.
i'm thinking of dropping 2 of my tutor sessions -- one that's only an hour a week (i was supposed to tutor both children for 2 hours but... don't know what happened, so it's not worth it anymore + i have to walk up a huge hill every time and i want to die) and the 2 girls because they cancel on me way too much and i need to live (remember i only charge them 15/hr because they can't afford more than that). ehh i like them though. watch... i say this, but i end up not doing it. i'm such a pushover.
hopefully, if it's God's will, john will give me 1 or 2 more students like he said he could do if i had the time.

these days, the song "be still" by kari jobe (thanks for introducing her to me yunie!) is always on my mind and i sing it to myself like a broken record.

be still, my soul, be still

be still, my soul, be still

wait patiently upon the Lord

be still, my soul, be still

be still, and know He is God
He is here, He is here

i just have to remember that nothing that i own in life is mine. everything is God-given and life is a privilege, not a right.
i have no reason to be anxious. He is God.

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" -psalm 46:10

.... and this one: one of the best rebukes/encouragements in my book (again, i don't really have a book. or a list.)

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? .... O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - matthew 6:25-27, 30-34

whooooo, humble bomb.