my idol

living back at home is more of a pain than a blessing, to be completely and brutally honest.

the frustration from waking up to loud and unnecessary bickers exchanged between older family members in the morning, to hearing 잔소리 from any one of them during the day (even the caring...(?) kinds), to being asked if i ate dinner [when i ate with or in front of her] -slash- "why aren't you all sleeping?? it's already ___ o' clock" every. single. night. by my 88-year-old grandmother....

*reminder for my grandmother: "i ate dinner with sarah at 8 o' clock."

... is weighing down my soul.
it is turning me into a bitter, loveless human being with an attitude problem.
i know what i need to do. i need to die to myself. i need to actively philippians 2:3 it up. i need to constantly remind myself that i am blessed and that i'm only living by the grace of God.
but the god of convenience tells me to just chill. do whatever's favorable to me. talk to my family members in whatever tone i want. (i hate aegyo or even sounding "chirpy." too much effort.)

if you think about it, every sin committed is stemmed from idolatry.
in my situation, i'm worshipping the wrong god: convenience or... well -- me. i'm more important than my family members. my comforts, my wants, my ways are more significant than those of the adults i live with.

there is obviously something wrong here. here i am, a christian who firmly believes in the Gospel message and am humbled by the saving grace that allows me to live a life of freedom in Christ, yet my lifestyle often portrays otherwise. it shows so apparently (at least to me) that i am cheapening the cost of Christ's sacrifice for us. I'M HORRIBLE!

knowledge is nothing without action.

like i said, i know what i need to do. i need to die to myself. i need to actively philippians 2:3 it up. i need to constantly remind myself that i am blessed and that i'm only living by the grace of God, that our existence is for His glory alone.

now to put it into action.....

consumed

i've been consumed by many things lately - physically and mentally - which is why i've been lazy to keep up with this blog.

ok maybe if i list it out, it won't seem like much.
1. church
2. work
3. painting prep - i got an order for a 16x20in lion king painting
4. bracelet&necklace orders / where-the-hail-do-i-find-necklace-supplies-here-in-LA
5. worries about whether or not i'd be able to get into an anatomy class anywhere for fall semester (<-- weird)
6. arts and crafts (not the stewpid kiddy kinds, but the legit martha-stewart-type DIY types & more. hehe.)
7. worries about when the hail i'd have time to volunteer at a hospital and complete my hours
8. S&BIL stuff. ughhhhh.

ok, like i said before, i'm a worry wart.
today's sermon at church talked about how ~82% percent of average people's worries are things they can't really control or things that are totally unnecessary to worry about.

that's probably me.

anyway, as you can see, my priorities aren't straight. this week, i'm going to start making it a habit to have the bible be the first thing i grab in the morning when i wake up (other than my phone to check what time it is.)

oh yeah, so a quick update on the GAME SHOW. lol.
thursday afternoon, as i was finishing up my session at one of my kids' homes, my phone rang. i obviously couldn't pick it up so i let it go to voicemail. as i was leaving the building to go to my car, i eagerly checked my voicemail anddddd....
it was matt, the casting director!

..... wait huh? something something mix of american idol, wipe out, and wuh? what is he talking about.

*replay voicemail*

.... oh. he was asking if i or sonia wanted to audition for another game show pilot. this time, it's about teams of 3 singing while doing physical tasks. uhh.... so the whole point of the show is to sing well without being distracted? STEEWWWPIDDD. NO, i do not want to audition.

i deleted the voicemail, scoffing to myself. but wait. what happened to "secret fortune"??
by then, it was too late to call him back because he had left a separate number to reach from the one he called with..... and i deleted it.

so yeah, all i can do now is hope that the pilot for "secret fortune" passes and we get called back for an actual episode. i knew they wouldn't use 2 little asian girls for the pilot. dumb.

i get my first paycheck in the mail tomorrow. hallelujah, praise the Lordddd
i need to buy myself some shorts and comfortable, loose clothing. aka period clothes. but not for my period. well maybe it'll be convenient when the time comes. but anyway, i need them for work because i need to dress comfortably in order to run around and play with the kids. so far i've been wearing skinny jeans to work in freaking 80+ degree weather. not so fun.
my shorts are in korea. or actually, i don't know.
when my mom visited my dad&i in september 2010, i gave a lot of my summer clothes to her to take back home, and when i came back and asked her for them, she had no idea where she put it. i tell you, she deserves a prize for "worst person to give your stuff to for storage" or "best person to give your stuff to if you want it to get lost". yay mom.

mind barf

i wish i could just barf out everything from my mind

but i'm too lazy
so sawry, will have to wait, loyal reader(s)!

maybe tomorrow
(story of my life right now)

12:58am randoms

usually, i try to have some kinda topic for each post
but this is not a usual moment

i'm just gonna blabber for a bit [excuse me], post, close my laptop, and plop my head onto my pillow (gently this time, because last time was no bueno), hoping that whatever i dream tonight, i will remember tomorrow morning as i sit on my white porcelain chair (which is when i usually remember my dreams).
i realized today morning when i remembered last night's dream, that i haven't been dreaming these past few days. or maybe i did and i just don't remember. that's unusual though.

i've had the crankiest week last week. and the fattiest day today, munching on every single snack on the table at church. i went back and forth between standing next to the table and standing 6 feet away from the table -- at least 8 times. i'm gonna get my rag for sure this week, which is awesome because my GRE is this saturday.

WHOWHATWHENWHERE(why)HOW.
let's get back to this next year, maybe. (side note: sarah, you were so dumb.)
God, prove me wrong please, whenever.

i've been wayyyy too into arts&crafts lately. so excited to be in charge of my nephew mason's 1st birthday decorations. my first big artsy task ever. and i'm being paid for it. i feel so profesional *read in spanish accent. that's how i mean it to sound.* can't wait to take pictures of the final product.

i've been feeling fat these days. my cheeks are coming in. i'm looking like my junior year self.
freak.

i want a wardrobe makeover. i found out recently that my cousin esther (who's on masterchef season 2 right now) knows the host of the makeover show "how do i look?" (yes, the one i applied for after senior year in high school), so i asked her if i could get hooked up and she's like "uhh... honestly, no. you're normal. your sister on the other hand........" fine, i'm ok with borrowing my sister's clothes.

i don't like looking like a 15-year-old. i mean, i do get respect from people, but only when they're obligated to be respectful because it's their JOB. it's worse when i think i'm dressed older and i feel more confident in my age, only to find out that someone STILL thinks i'm a teenager. i wonder how old i'll look when i have kids. yeah yeah i know, i'll be thankful then.

why do i only attract one type of people?
k____n f___s.
subtype: pe________s
just kidding. but not. sigh.

ok -- 30 minutes of stewpid blabber and i'm tired.
off to dreamland, where things don't make any sense and i'm completely fine with it.

who knows.

i've been hearing different versions of this from people a lot lately (all at different, random times) and it's been bouncing around in my mind.
"dream big. don't restrict yourself. explore and keep your options open. take risks and do what you love. use the talents and the resources God's given you."

ever since i started making bracelets & necklaces and painting for people after i got back from korea, people have been asking if i was ditching my pursuit of occupational therapy to go into art.
"heck no, i ain't that dumb." -me


i'm excited to start work tomorrow. God has provided me with a job!
while i was in SD, after realizing that i needed to take a year off and save up some money, i fervently began searching for jobs online -- anywhere from admin to teaching (to even game show auditioning lol). ideally, i wanted to work somewhere that related to OT so that i can get more experience and look at least decent on my grad school application. my GPA just barely peeks over the minimum and the GRE.... well... i guess i didn't write on this, but i was supposed to take it 2 saturdays ago, but BY GOD'S DIVINE INTERVENTION there was a power outage and everyone scheduled to take their test on that day had to reschedule. (next date: july 16. God, have mercy on me. everyone else, please pray that God has mercy on me.) yeah, i'm not so great at taking standardized tests. really. the thought of taking a harder version of the SATs makes me want to barf.... and then barf again.

after venting to tina via email about how my hope in my future was dwindling, she told me about her friend's job in SD, which consisted of working with children with autism 1:1 at their homes, and that there was an LA branch. i applied for that place first, and then started researching and applying to a whole bunch of other similar jobs. i only heard back from 3 places: 1. Lovaas Institute (referred to by tina), which said they're still determining hiring needs for july, 2. ABA Bears, which after a phone interview and a "please think about it and get back to us soon", never replied back to my emails or voicemails (how rude), and 3. CBsomething-something, which i went to an interview for, but was a little too far, required a little too much out of me, and compensated nothing for mileage.

my #1 choice was Lovaas because of what tina told me about it + paid orientation + $0.44 for every mile that i drive + it's closest to home. however, they weren't being too responsive and when they finally did respond, they told me they recently changed their rule to "All applicants HAVE to have a bachelor's degree." i still have 3 units left. GREAT.

long story short, the hiring director called after i reminded them of my interest and really wanted me to come in for an interview, even though i was technically not eligible. i went in, had a good interview, and got a call the next day while at staples preparing stuff for my college ministry retreat that i got the job. oh man, i thought i wasn't going to get it, BUT GOD IS GOOD! wow. i'm still so amazed.

so where does that quote i wrote out in the beginning fit into all of this.
... sorry, i'm starting to forget.
mmm let me just keep typing first and see if it starts to come together. dang i suck at writing. (i'm seriously so scared for the analytical writing portion of the GRE.)

recently, all these different doors have been opening and i'm not so sure what my absolute route in life is anymore. who knows, what if i enjoy my job so much that i switch to doing behavior therapy for the rest of my life, just like the clinical supervisor who interviewed me? what if i end up investing my time, money, and effort into making my hobby become an actual business opportunity? what if i end up becoming a very involved distributor for a highly popular and growing product and make millions in a few years? what if sonia and i end up on the game show, win some huge cash moneys, find awesome husbands, and don't have to work for the rest of our lives? what if i have to resort to being an extra on as many tv shows/movies as possible to make some sort of a living? or what if i am called to celibacy and end up living with a bunch of dogs til i'm old and decaying? who knows.

i've been learning the cliche, yet oh-so-true idea that life is unpredictable. you cannot declare something about the future because only He knows. and i guess what i'm also trying to say is, we shouldn't lose hope. God has some sort of plan for us, and it is perfect because He is perfect.

but remember, our life is not our own.

i think doing what we are good at/love to do, which is God-granted, naturally makes us do our best at it.
the only way to find that out, if we don't already know it, is to take risks and enter those open doors with an open heart, knowing that God has placed them in front of us for a reason -- to, in the end, SOLELY glorify Him with what He's given us, to magnify HIM and make HIM look great by all that we do.

"A man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever." -the Westminster Shorter Catechism
whatever we become in life, this is our chief end.
so let's just focus on that.