i miss it already

Hi.
6 weeks have flown by, and now I am 2 days away from taking on my last week of Gross Anatomy.
And as my title states, I miss it already.

I (will) miss wearing scrubs every day and not having to wake up an extra 10 minutes earlier just to figure out what to wear.

I (will) miss having notes already printed out for me.
I (will) also miss coloring in them with my bougie Prismacolor color pencils.

I (will) miss the really nice Anatomy building. Everything is super clean and the artwork in the hallway outside the labs are phenomenal. Also, the adjustable swivel chairs in the ampitheater are the best.

I (will) miss the cadavers. I feel like I knew them before they died, as if we were family. I don't know how to describe it. Just some kind of connection, you know? I mean, I know what their insides look like and they themselves didn't.

Lastly, I (will) miss the TAs. They're so nice, funny, silly, charming, down-to-earth, and super smart. I don't know if I would've survived this class without them.

Speaking of which, yesterday night my week 1 TA called me randomly and asked for a favor. He saw on Facebook that I was at the Redlands Market Night (and not at home, studying for my 2 exams) ...

... and asked if I had time to go to the 99cent Store to get him a few things for his care packages (Really? You ask your old student to get stuff for your new students' care packages while you're rock climbing with your homies, aka my week 2 TA and the Korean TA who likes to creep around and touch people's elbows for fun?? (Justkiddingbutnotreally. He actually went to UCSD and recognized me and now we're friends yay)). I was already back home by then, but since he's cool, I said yes and went. (Actually, it was because I wasn't ready to get back into intense study mode yet.)

2 out of the 4 obnoxious care packages he made, which consisted of:

A blow-up dolphin, watermelon, and a plastic bucket full of really random items.

Anyway, Jen and I ran into him and the Korean TA (James) at Target after the exams (3 times), and he said he'd buy us drinks (I think he meant boba?) next week. Woohoo! 

Speaking of which, today's exams were at a level 8.9 (out of 10) difficulty (I'd have to say last week's was a 9.4). But, what made me at least enjoy today's practical out of all the ones I've taken thus far was the fact that for one of the stations, we were to pick a random card on the table and make the facial expression that the muscle written on the card is responsible for. (Ex. mentalis --> pout; corrugator supercilii --> mad dog)

I got mentalis, pouted, and whew-ed in my head because it was an easy one to do....
But of course, with 5 other TAs there with their camera phones ready I wasn't going to get off that easy. They told me to pick a second card, the one that said "Pick me!", which said "monkey face and ears" (not part of the practical, by the way).

... Meh, boring. (My friend got "constipation" haha)
I did it, and there were still a few seconds left, so I told them I'd do a really ugly face. They got all excited, but then the bell rang and I had to move on to #66.

So how did I do on the exams? Better than last week, but not enough to raise my overall grade (only 0.1%). I really want to get rid of the minus, but I am learning to just let go and not care. WHO CARES!!

Finals on Thursday and then I'm FREEE!!!!
... for 3 days.

7 days left of this shiznat

I always seem to update my blog on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Well Fridays because I'm done with the week and I have things to reflect on, and Tuesdays because.... I guess I have the most A.D.D. for some unknown reason.

This week is all about the foot, deep back, neck, and facial muscles/nerves/arteries.
I saw two faces totally skinned down to the muscles (except the eyelids) today and it was just too sad. But then I got over it when I realized I had too much to learn and memorize.

Today we took a class + TAs + professors photo. The photographer had a bunch of light stands and equipment and errthang just for a stinkin' "We survived!! Summer Anatomy 2012" picture.
Also, we were fed lunch for free (again). I don't know why, but who cares. Free food = the best food (89% of the time).

PT/OT students, professors, and TAs.
I stood in the front, smack in the middle. I spy my TA crush.

The TAs, and the 3 profesores in the front. 

I should've waited 4 seconds to have all of them looking.

Taco salad

My week 1 and 2 TAs adding homecooked bacon & rice/bean/corn topping to their salad. 

They came PREPARED. (We're such noobs.)

Seriously, why can't my class be as fun and cool (and cute) as the TAs' class. They make this class bearable. No, fun. Today, during lunch time, one of them said something funny and I burst out in my nasty/obnoxious HAAAAAHAHAHA slash motorcycle slash choking laugh. I promised myself before school started not to be my total self until I am completely comfortable with my peers. I think I broke that today, but luckily, I felt completely comfortable and unashamed.

Okay, it is 8:17 and I haven't touched my notes yet. (Actually they're right under my elbows, so I'm technically touching them right now as I type.)

Tomorrow, they're letting us out early so we can catch up on our studying and even prepare ourselves for the final (which is next Thursday :O ).

Thursday, I'm trading lunches with my week 2 TA (pictured above)! Can't wait.

week 5 done

I am sleepy, mentally drained, physically exhausted, and overwhelmed by
um what the fuhhhh...reak happened this week.
Seriously, this week is such a blur.

Well, whatever. Week 5 is over.

Let me start with a picture of my week 5 TA - RJ :)

Such a fun and chill TA. Had to correct him a few times, but I mean... who can blame the guy? 

They took this class last summer and now they have to teach it!

I had another one of my weekly mini-panic attacks today. I was freaking out, breathing really fast/hard, getting a little dizzy, and repeating the words "I'm," "Gonna," and "Die" to myself until it was time to walk in. Last night, I slept at 10:30pm and woke up at 11:58pm thinking it was 5am -- again. Anxious much? 

This can't be good for my health. 

This week's exams were by FAR the toughest ones. (Did I say this last week, too? I don't remember.) 

If I hadn't said this before -- this class makes me study every day as if I have a final the next day. It is truly, as RJ had accurately stated earlier this week, "traumatizing." Why was I ever interested in being a TA for this class?? I have to learn to dissect a human body on my own, teach the material to a group of students and pretend I know what the hail I'm talking about, study the shizzle beforehand so I don't have to take responsibility for the students' failures, and make them care packages every week for 7 weeks! (jk I'm still kind of interested....... heh.) 

Well, the bright side is, I hear week 6 is going to be a bit lighter and week 7 (finals week) is going to be a breeze.... IF I study hard enough and remember everything. 

Anyway, I am 1.4% away from a solid A (Sadly, they don't round up. A 93.6% is just a 93%.) and although to many that may be a good grade, I don't know why I'm always so hard on myself and being such a little baby about that minus sign. I've been thinking about why I am this way and I believe it dates back to my junior year in college, when I started to get my act together and pull through each quarter with A's and high B's instead of the lump-of-poop grades I received my first 2 years. Ever since then, I've had this self-obligation to prove to whoever that I can do well and that I'm "smart." I remember always reporting my grades back to a certain someone, waiting eagerly for a "Good job! I'm proud of you" if I did well or hoping for an "It's okay, you did fine/ Don't worry, you can do better next time" if I didn't get an A. That warm feeling of making someone important to me proud kept me going, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd been texting a couple of my friends my Anatomy grades right when I received them for the past 4 weeks. (They're awesome encouragers :))

Where am I going with this? 

After coming home feeling defeated (every Friday), I reflect back on the week and have a hard time believing I made it through. I study my BRAINS off every day, even though I technically don't have to, considering the passing grade is a 75% and workplaces will never ask for my grad school GPA. But like I said, I do it mostly because I have this almost unhealthy need to prove myself. And this is sinful. God desires for me to do all these things for HIM, not for myself. God yearns for me to find my satisfaction and worth in Him alone, not in my grades, or even the affirmations I receive from other human beings. God is proud of me. Why isn't that enough?

I need to be constantly reminded of this as I go on to more weeks (months... years...?) of schooling. 

A-, All Glory to Him.

7:19pm randoms

Not much has happened as of late.
Let's see....

1. I finished my painting of Santorini, Greece on Saturday! Can't wait to give it to Joyce & Tory, my newly wed friends. Next project: a floral painting/inkwork for my week 1 TA Andy.

2. The weather has been cooling down a lot. It's now about 90 degrees (lol), which I have accustomed myself to and now believe to be "the perfect weather."

Wall photo on Facebook. How the heck did this end up with 67 likes?? 

3. My dad called 2 days ago after having not called since my birthday. He's a busy busy man and I am always worried about him, but it was relieving to know he was doing okay. And more than half of our 28-minute conversation consisted of him lecturing me about meeting "the right guy." I don't remember a lot of the things he said because I was too busy taking this picture, but I think he said something along the lines of "I will be infinitely sad if you marry someone who isn't Korean. I want my grandchildren to look like you, so don't marry a non-Korean. Ever." and "I just want you to marry someone who's smart and nice.... of course a strong Christian because it's a given that Christian men are nice." And then he went deeper into why he thinks meeting someone nice is important. ... Yeah I really don't remember.

What's considered "nice" though? And also, "nice" is boring.
"Nice" reminds me of...

A: Is he cute?
B: Umm.... he's nice....


A: Is he fun?? What kind of personality does he have?
B: Umm.... he's nice?

Someone needs to prove me wrong and win me over with nice, cute, AND fun.... AND everything else I mentioned in my last post. (jk.) (I am still traumatized. I don't wanna date anymore.) (jk.) (No but really. Can I just skip the dating part and just fast forward to getting married to the love of my life?)

Moving on.

4. The TAs surprised 2 of my professors for their birthday during our lecture. We got free chocolate cake. YES.

5. We have almost double the muscles, nerves, arteries, ligaments, etc. to memorize this week. Fun. My. Life.

6. I haven't been sleeping too early lately (11:15pm instead of 10:30) and it's definitely taking its toll on me. I felt like passing out today. My friends and I even came back home during the hour lunch break just to eat real quick and take a nap, but by the time we were all about to enter REM, it was time to head back.

7. What else.... This week's TA is awesome. He talks as if he doesn't have a care in the world -- he smiles a lot and talks really slow and says everything's "chill." He sorta reminds me of a hippie. I like him.


Okay, no more killing time. Back to studying!

halfway through

Hello.
I am officially halfway through this course. It is bittersweet. Why not just sweet, you ask (or not.)? Because I know I'll miss it after it's over.

Michelle, my week 4 TA. The sweetest and so down to earth. She's also about 6 ft tall. 

This week for me was by far the toughest week yet. I got mixed opinions from different students and TAs - some saying last week was, others saying this week. I really can't explain why. I mean, it should've been better than last week because the material seemed a little less complex, but for some reason it succeeded in making me want to sleep and never wake up.

So I have a little confession to make.

I have the fattest crush on one of the TAs in my class. I will never disclose the name, just in case.
I will just call him Bob.
I think this is my first time having a crush on a non-Korean person. And what I've realized from having crushes on different people of the male species throughout my life is - I like guys who:

- are witty and humorous
(I cannot date a guy who's corny and doesn't know how to make others laugh. I need to laugh. With, not At. PLEASE.) 

- are studious
(No duh, I know. These TAs were chosen via an application process and review of their Anatomy and Neuro grades, along with other... important stuff, I'm sure. When Bob explains anything Anatomy-related.......... <3 <-- melts.)(<-- exaggeration, but still.)

- like to maintain a nice, somewhat-athletic build
(No, not buff. I despise buff. I guess "toned" is a better word? Someone who you can tell enjoys playing sports and exercising to stay healthy. On a slightly different note, there are guys out there who look really awkward when they run. <-- no.)

- have dimples
(Maybe not the pencil-point ones..... Those look a little girly. Bob has such cute dimples hehehehe ok sorry I'll stop.)


- have a nice smile
(The guy needs to know how to smile and show his decently straight teeth. And I don't know how to describe this in words, but I like when guys half-smile. Sorta like a smirk, but not. Some guys don't naturally have that and it looks super awkward and weird when they try, but there are some that just do it effortlessly and... sigh. Andrew Garfield [Spiderman] is a good example. So is Bob.)


- dress decently
(As long as he doesn't wear swapmeet clothes, or clothes from the 90's. Basically, outdated stuff. Actually, I could go on and on with this topic but I will choose not to. Oh, but let me just say - I can't explain why, but a guy's choice in shoes matters a bit to me. Oh and another thing - guys in plain white T's = :) )


- have decent-sized eyes
(I don't know why, but I am not physically attracted to guys with small eyes. Sorry if you're a guy with small eyes. I would prefer my future kids to have decent-sized eyes, so at least if I have a daughter I won't have to deal with her nagging me about why she can't have big eyes. Okay, I know it sounds like such a dumb reason, but I promise it's not because of my future kids. I just.... am not attracted to guys with small eyes.)


[Have you noticed I said "decent" like a million times? I don't expect perfection, I promise.]


- are family-oriented
(I would highly prefer oldest son, mostly because I am the youngest child, but I think even if I wasn't, I would still prefer the same. Something about oppas...... hahahaha jk. But really, oldest sons tend to be better at not only taking care of their sibling(s), but also their parents. Plus they tend to like children.)


- are humble, or strive to be
(I guess the best way to explain this is - confident, not cocky. Knows how to take compliments in a humble manner, and acknowledges that everything great about them is a manifestation of God's grace.)


Okay I could go on forever about this, and of course the guy has to be Christian (which Bob is), but let me just say while I'm on the topic of Bob.....
During the practicals (as I'd explained before), there are 70 stations, at which we have one minute to figure out what the tagged muscle/nerve/artery/tendon/etc is. There are also rest stations dispersed throughout the test. Remember the story I gave about my first practical experience? (Look down to #4.)
Guess who gave me one today. :))

3 WEEKS LEFT.

currently: 94%.

happy birthday sister

I've been checking out a church in Riverside called Cornerstone Fellowship Bible Church. The first time I went was a kind-of-sort-of odd experience, mostly because about 87% of the congregation consisted of older married couples in their 40-70's. Predominantly white, might I add. I do have to say though that I admire the church's passion for the Gospel. I did take away from my first visit that they truly and deeply love Jesus.
Today's visit is pretty noteworthy. My aptmate and I both saw a dad in the audience sign-languaging the sermon to his teenage son, who had an intent look on his face as he was "listening" to his dad. And then during the closing praise song, the dad and mom were both praising in sign-language. It melted my heart.
Also, the message was on Romans 12:1 - just one verse, of which the pastor made 6 points. It was on offering ourselves up to God as a living sacrifice - an oxymoron that actually makes sense. I was reminded that God is glorified most when his people choose to live for Him, while acknowledging that all things come from Him and not from our own humanly efforts and achievements. God doesn't want us to offer ourselves up as dead sacrifices. First of all, how is that pleasing to God? That's like... mass suicide. Sick. Second of all, animal/human sacrifices are totally unnecessary because Jesus was/is the Ultimate Sacrifice.
We cannot pause from our daily schedule to say "Jesus I surrender!" and then resume worrying about money and happiness and what to wear the next day because that is not what He wants (obviously)... "God I worship you!" and then continue watching TV shows for another 3 hours. He wants what's "well pleasing" from us, not a mere "acceptable."
WHAT A STRUGGLE IT IS TO BE WELL-PLEASING!!
But what's new, right? Just gotta remind ourselves that God is pleased in our struggle to be well-pleasing! (That's some crazy grace right there.)

Anyway, the title of today's post is "Happy Birthday Sister" because, well... it is my sister's birthday!

Just wanted to share a bit about her.

She is 8 years older, married with 2 kids to an internal medicine doctor, and is an optometrist herself (she had 2 kids while in optometry school).

She also has the better genes, as she is taller, skinnier (even when she was pregnant), smarter, more artistic, and prettier. 

One vivid memory I have is witnessing all these dudes and their moms come to my parents' bakery when my sister is working and ask her out. Yes, even the moms. "I would loveee to have you as my daughter-in-law. Are you free sometime this week to meet with my son?" One mom straight up brought her shy son and said, "My son just got a haircut for you." Creepy or what. 

I never got that growing up. I was always that REALLY awkward looking 막내딸 (youngest daughter) with braces, gold-rimmed glasses, and forests as eyebrows, while my sister was 2nd place Junior Miss Korea. But, I was never jealous. Rather, I looked up to her (from a distance). She was my role model and I was so proud to have such a pretty older sister. 

But it's way more than that, now that I'm 24. SHE's way more than that to me now. She's become my very close friend, mom, therapist, counselor, (wannabe) matchmaker - [*via text* "Sarah, I get so many young guys as my patients these days. I'll keep my eye out for you." "LOL no thanks unni."], employer (she gave me $$ to babysit my own nephews), giver (~85% of my apt furniture + kitchenware = hers. Plus she gives me $$ whenever I'm in need), and the list goes on. Throughout the past year, I've gotten so close to her and I finally don't feel like I'm an only child anymore. I feel so blessed beyond words to have her as my older sister, and even more blessed to have her finally attend not only just any church, but MY church (All Glory to God).

As I am here, trooping through this hell-of-a-course called Gross Anatomy, I am driven not only by my desire to glorify God in my studies, but also to make my family - especially my sister - proud and to give back to her for all she's done for us. Truly unspeakable what she's gone through for our family, but I am that much closer to being able to actually help her in more ways than one. 

If you're reading this (I don't think she is, but just in case...) I am so very thankful for you and love you very much.

<3,
Your baby sis.

Only Do Your Best

So I guess this honeymoon stage is just about over.
All the excitement of studying "grad school stuff" and experiencing the same endless amount of stress as the students of previous PT/OT classes (who had warned us about this class via the FB group before we started school) is slowly fizzling out.
This week was just full of "UGHHHH"'s and "OH MY GOSH I WANNA DIEEEEE"'s. Having a day off didn't help at all because the professors just crammed Wednesday's material all into Monday and Tuesday's lectures. I couldn't even watch fireworks on Youtube, like I said I was going to.

Yesterday night, as I was studying with my friends at home, I had the strong urge to give up. I felt like this whole week I'd just been staring at letters on a page. Nothing was being absorbed. Seriously, nothing. I felt so dumb. I think I asked like 6 TAs whether this week's exams were the hardest and for the most part they said yes. One TA even said (I don't know if it was to encourage me or make me want to die even more), "I definitely did the worst on this practical. I think I got around 4 wrong." But these TAs are geniuses. They know everything! They spit out the nerve roots to random muscles like it's their cell phone number. 4 wrong for them = probably 10 for me. 


Yeah, I was fuhreaking out. I didn't even intake caffeine today morning, yet I went to the bathroom 3 times before the 1st exam and had to go again during the 2nd one. (Maybe it's because I ever-so-conveniently started my. today morning.)
Oh wait, I almost forgot. Here's a picture:

My week 3 care package from my week 3 TA Leta. So pretty and nice. Fellow OT student!
I felt really bad not being able to answer a lot of her questions. She probably thought our group was so dumb. But then again, she might be too nice to think that.

Anyway, I went into the lab second to last, after having gone to the bathroom for the 3rd time, and found a station toward the front. Anxious, I prayed to God and then looked up at the wall in front of me. There that frame was - the one holding the letter titled "Only Do Your Best" in big bold letters.  

It said:

(I snuck a picture of it a few days ago. Don't tell.)

I am ___[for the sake of privacy]___ - Tossie to my husband; Mom to my 6 children; Granny to my grandchildren and great grandchildren; Nurse to my patients; and Friend to all who love God, life, and each other. 

For you my prayer is that I will be useful in your quest for knowledge, so that you may better serve.

Please forgive my broken bones, accidentally caused by chasing sheep, being kicked by a horse, and falling down stairs - which happened as I was teaching children about responsibility and love while caring for their 4-H projects and pets. 

Please forgive also my arthritic hands. They served me well over 80 years enabling me to push a wheel barrow, hold an infant, or to hold a newborn bunny while trying to bring it back to life with my own brand of CPR. 

You may also note greater muscular development in one leg, and my misshapen foot. One leg is shorter than the other, and I always had to stand on the toes of that foot to keep on an even keel. Then I could cook and wash dishes or can fruit, even when I had to lean on that sink with my forearms to keep going. 

I am thankful that my body can be of use to you. I ask only that you do your best. 

God bless you,

Mom

... And then and there I was encouraged to do my best. As dramatic as this sounds, I stared past the porous cloths into the faces of the once-construction worker/college professor/car technician/receptionist/cook/etc. and said a mental Thank You. 

So although this honeymoon stage is almost over, it doesn't mean I am almost no longer thankful. 

God had a purpose for "Mom" and He has a purpose for me - to be here to learn and grow as a future OT and of course a follower of Christ. 

4 more weeks left of this class. I CAN DO THIS!

Practical: 66/70 

Written: 64/70

(Why do I always get 2 more questions wrong on the Written than on the Practical??)

tomorrow's the 4th of july

Tomorrow's the 4th of July. Yay day off!!!

.... NOT.

I still have 2 exams this Friday, and having a day off tomorrow does not mean I have less material to study. In fact, I have double last week's.

This isn't everything, but last week, we only had to memorize the origins (where muscle starts), insertions (where muscle ends), nerves (the nerve that innervates the muscle), and actions (movements the muscles are responsible for) of 6 or so muscles.
This week, we have to memorize all of that for about 25 muscles. But I'm just talking about muscles here. I also have to memorize double the ligaments and about the same amount of arteries.
And then know all of their locations on the cadavers.

I.
Am.
So.
Screwed.

Yesterday was such a horrible day. Although I knew sleeping at 11:30PM would not be a good idea, I did so anyway and suffered the consequences the next day (Remember what I said in my previous post? I wasn't exaggerating). I was yawning every 5 minutes (seriously, my jaw was hurting) and nodding constantly (not because I was agreeing with the things the professor was saying). In lab, I felt as if I was breathing in sleeping gas and not formaldehyde, because I swear I could've just collapsed on top of the cadavers if I let go of myself. Everything spoken in that room was absorbed as blahblahblah and I just couldn't answer any of the questions my TA was asking our group for the life of me.

TA: Okay, go around one by one and name the actions of the flexor digitorum superficialis muscle.
Jen: Wrist flexion.
Me: Uhh.... Wrist flexion.
Jen: Oh, I just said that..


Today was a bit better, even though I was being dumb again last night and slept at 11.
I memorized the location of all of the muscles, arteries, and nerves (with little confidence) and now I just need to memorize all 25 origins and insertions.

It's like this. But 25 of them. All just on the arm and forearm. 

The 2nd-to-best part of today was the free lunch provided by the School of Allied Health Professions (which the Occupational Therapy/ Physical Therapy programs are under).
And yes it was vegetarian - Avocado&Cheese sandwich and Ficken (Fake Chicken) (not really called Ficken) sandwich. It was alright. The icy fruit bars were the best.

And watching the male TAs throwing around a football and playing frisbee and hackysack was the best. I haven't laughed that hard since..... before school started. (Sad.)

The best part of the day was this:

In n Out, which I pretty much #3-ed out right when I got home (sorry for the TMI but whatevs)and Carolyn, my SG daughter from UCSD. She is taking undergrad Anatomy at LLU!

Tomorrow's the 4th of July.
I might just have to watch fireworks on Youtube.
While eating samgyubssahl and mangos during my study break.