um what the fuhhhh...reak happened this week.
Seriously, this week is such a blur.
Well, whatever. Week 5 is over.
Let me start with a picture of my week 5 TA - RJ :)
Such a fun and chill TA. Had to correct him a few times, but I mean... who can blame the guy?
They took this class last summer and now they have to teach it!
I had another one of my weekly mini-panic attacks today. I was freaking out, breathing really fast/hard, getting a little dizzy, and repeating the words "I'm," "Gonna," and "Die" to myself until it was time to walk in. Last night, I slept at 10:30pm and woke up at 11:58pm thinking it was 5am -- again. Anxious much?
This can't be good for my health.
This week's exams were by FAR the toughest ones. (Did I say this last week, too? I don't remember.)
If I hadn't said this before -- this class makes me study every day as if I have a final the next day. It is truly, as RJ had accurately stated earlier this week, "traumatizing." Why was I ever interested in being a TA for this class?? I have to learn to dissect a human body on my own, teach the material to a group of students and pretend I know what the hail I'm talking about, study the shizzle beforehand so I don't have to take responsibility for the students' failures, and make them care packages every week for 7 weeks! (jk I'm still kind of interested....... heh.)
Well, the bright side is, I hear week 6 is going to be a bit lighter and week 7 (finals week) is going to be a breeze.... IF I study hard enough and remember everything.
Anyway, I am 1.4% away from a solid A (Sadly, they don't round up. A 93.6% is just a 93%.) and although to many that may be a good grade, I don't know why I'm always so hard on myself and being such a little baby about that minus sign. I've been thinking about why I am this way and I believe it dates back to my junior year in college, when I started to get my act together and pull through each quarter with A's and high B's instead of the lump-of-poop grades I received my first 2 years. Ever since then, I've had this self-obligation to prove to whoever that I can do well and that I'm "smart." I remember always reporting my grades back to a certain someone, waiting eagerly for a "Good job! I'm proud of you" if I did well or hoping for an "It's okay, you did fine/ Don't worry, you can do better next time" if I didn't get an A. That warm feeling of making someone important to me proud kept me going, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd been texting a couple of my friends my Anatomy grades right when I received them for the past 4 weeks. (They're awesome encouragers :))
Where am I going with this?
After coming home feeling defeated (every Friday), I reflect back on the week and have a hard time believing I made it through. I study my BRAINS off every day, even though I technically don't have to, considering the passing grade is a 75% and workplaces will never ask for my grad school GPA. But like I said, I do it mostly because I have this almost unhealthy need to prove myself. And this is sinful. God desires for me to do all these things for HIM, not for myself. God yearns for me to find my satisfaction and worth in Him alone, not in my grades, or even the affirmations I receive from other human beings. God is proud of me. Why isn't that enough?
I need to be constantly reminded of this as I go on to more weeks (months... years...?) of schooling.
A-, All Glory to Him.
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