passion

honestly, i am not looking forward to typing out everything that's occupying my head of this moment, but i feel i should before i forget.

so exactly a year ago, i went to my EM retreat called "spring advance."
i don't remember anything about it, other than that i went to the retreat the weekend after i came back from korea and fell asleep anytime, anywurr.

this year's theme was "passion for God," which i felt was so fitting to what i needed. to be honest, the past whatever-months of living at home has been a big spiritual struggle. (i'm still in the process of learning if the qualities i discovered about myself are really what i possess, or if it's just situational.) i'd been lacking a steady relationship with God. i'd lost the urgency to pray. i'd developed an impatient, complaining heart.

we had a guest pastor, pastor steve from the holy wave of sarang church, and before going to the retreat i'd heard lots of good shtuff about him, that he used to intern at an African-American church and that he speaks super passionately. oh shoot. so i got all excited and what not, but never did i expect myself to be freaking cutting onions during every sermon. i mean, i haven't done that since i-don't-remember.

during sharing time on the last night, i ended up sharing (which i almost never do at retreats) and crying bullets in front of everyone. (the funny thing is, many people confessed to having cried at this retreat, those many including men. grown men ranging from age 25 to age 70.)

throughout the past few years, as i was hurt by certain people and things, my heart had been becoming more and more hardened to the point where i would not get emotional during depressing movies or touching youtube clips like i used to (e.g. all throughout "UP," literally, even during the credits).
this retreat has helped me release some of the cooped up tears from deep within, and slowly thaw my frozen heart. it has prompted me to look back on the past year at open door and thank God with all of my being for graciously providing me a church that i can SO confidently call HOME. it has renewed my knowledge of the gravity of sin and the genuine disgust God feels towards it. it has reminded me of the power and extent of God's love, that no matter how much we rebel and sin against Him, that He forgives us with FULL restoration and that He has loved, loves, and will always love us -- unconditionally and flawlessly. it has encouraged me to be bolder in my faith, especially with the people i care about who do not know of or understand the perfect, sacrificial love of God.

most importantly, it has re-motivated me to seek God first with all of my heart, soul, and mind -- not for my own personal agenda, but for His. to live and breathe the Gospel, for His glory. to be in constant thankfulness of His unfailing grace and mercy, because these are what privileges us of life yesterday, today, and forever.